User blog:Scottick/The Unavenged Tales - Chapter 3
Chapter 3 - Time-Warped Hick Hope you've got strong hands, cause that cliffhanger from Chapter 2 won't be resolved for a while. Not that it matters, really. You probably won't care until we get there. <- Chapter 2 Chapter 4 -> (Big Blue is sitting at the "throne" of his base at the Moon, waiting...) Big Blue: Are you idiots finished with that time portal yet? Blue: Not yet, sir. We just need to adjust a few more things. Big Blue: Well hurry up already. The sooner we can make minions out of the past's warriors, the closer we'll get to TOTAL. GLOBAL. BLUE. SATURATION. (Evil laughter) (We now cut to some times in the 1800's, somewhere in the Wild West. A cowboy rides his horse through the endless desert, with a set of 2 crystal-like gems in his pants.) (The innuendo hurts, doesn't it?) Alex: ''Some say ah'm one of th' quickest draws in the West. Some say ah could punt a cactus 50 yards away. Ah just say...my name's Stick Alex. Have gun, will travel. Throughout my travels in the West, ah came across a couple 'a odd gems. Ah don't know what their value is, but ah do know that they give me more power as ah hold them. That's why ah'm now on a quest - to find each and every one of these strange gems. Heh. Sounds good enough to add to my autobiography! '''Cowboy:' 'Ey, you! Ah'm talkin' to ya! Alex: (Stops his horse) Whaddya want? Cowboy: Ah see ya got thems shiny gems too. How bou' we duel for 'em? Winner take all. Alex: Alright, ah'm game! (Dismounts his horse) (The 2 cowboys stand-off, waiting...) Cowboy: DRAW! (The two grab their guns and fire...) (Alex stands perfectly fine, the other cowboy's hat flies straight off his head) Alex: Looks like I win. Pay up. (The other cowboy gives up his gem) Alex: Strange...even though ah have three of 'em, ah don't feel any stronger now. Hm...ah well. Ah better find some more... (Cutting back to Blue Base...) Blue: Sir! The time portal is done! Big Blue: Excellent...now test it already! Blue: Okay, but which time period, sir? Big Blue: Any! B.C. Greece, 3000 A.D., the Wild West of the 1800's, it doesn't matter! Just make sure it works. (The Blue sets the time portal to some time in the 1800's, the same time as Alex. Speaking of, let's cut back to him...) Alex: (Walking out without his horse) Sigh...Guess this is goin' ta be one of those days. If only somethin' interesting would happen... (Suddenly, a strange portal opens up in front of Alex!) Alex: ...looks like someone out there was listenin' to me. Ah wonder what this thing is... (Alex gets closer to observe the portal, but then gets sucked into it!) Blue: Sir! We got someone! (The portal spits out Alex before closing) Blue: ...well, it's definitely someone. Alex: Ugh...where in Pete Sampras am I? Blue: The Moon. Year 2012. Alex: 2012? As in the year? Big Blue: Correct. Welcome to the modern world, in the future. Men! Turn him into a foot soldier. Blue: Sir, do you really think we make a minion out of this time-warped hick? Big Blue: Why not? He's about as intelligent as the rest of the Blues, right? Alex: Hey! You tryin' ta say somethin' about me?! Big Blue: Oh please, a cowboy from the past? You can't possibly have any more capability of intelligence as a modern hillbilly! Alex: Ha! Just because ah'm from the past doesn't mean ah'll go around askin' where ta park my horse! Ah'm a tad smarter than ya think ah'm-OOH! What's that weird shiny thing? (Points at a Drab's rifle) Blue: ...that's a rifle. Alex: "Rye-fill?" Whazzat? A new gun? Drab: Yes, it's the modern gun. Faster than your prehistoric clamps of metal. Care for a demonstration? Alex: Faster than me?! Tough luck! Ah', one of th' quickest draws in th' West! Ah would say THE quickest, but ah have yet ta meet El Kabong. Drab: Then prove it! (Fires at Alex) (Alex dodges the bullets and fires at the Drab, knocking the rifle off his hands) Big Blue: That did not just happen. Alex: Ah think it did. Big Blue: (Shows signs of anger, but conceals it) Hmph! Men! Whoever captures that time-warped hick will get the rest of the day off! I hear Eiffel 65 is playing live tonight! Blues: EARLY LEAVE IS MINE! (The Blues rush in to attack Alex) Alex: Ha! Been through tougher saloon fights! (Alex jumps, then steps on Blue heads while gunning them down. He eventually gets out of the majority of the group) Big Blue: I suppose this calls for the big guns. RELEASE...the Iron Maiden. (From out of the shadows, a giant cybernetic Blue with a missing arm steps in) Iron Maiden: You rang? Big Blue: There's a time-warped hick I want destroyed, NOW! Iron Maiden: On it. (Attaches electric cannon to missing arm and aims it at Alex) Alex: Whooie! You're a big one! Iron Maiden: And you're going to fry. Yeah, I know. That's not clever, well shut up. I was never written to be a clever character, like everyone else. Oops, spoilers! (Iron Maiden fires the cannon, but Alex manages to dodge it) Alex: Whoa! That was a close one! Iron Maiden: Not as close as this? (Cannon arm is swapped with a giant axe, which he swings at Alex) Alex: (Barely ducks the axe) Whoa nelly! This ain't good! (Starts running) Iron Maiden: Running won't do you much good, you know! (Several Blues appear in front of Alex, then chase him back to Iron Maiden) Iron Maiden: See?! (Prepares to swing axe arm) Alex: Well, at least ah'm dying with dignity. (Suddenly, out of Alex's belt, the strange gems flew out and started encircling him!) Alex: What the? (Starts to glow blindingly bright) Iron Maiden: Like a fancy effect's going to stop me! (Swings at Alex) (But when the light faded, Alex was not there anymore...) Iron Maiden: What the?! Alex: Lookin' fer me? (On Iron Maiden's shoulder is Alex, but far different from what he was, with wheels for spurs, multi-chamber guns for hands, a mechnaical dome for a head, a yellow scarf, and mechanical armoring covering his body. The Vagabond Gunman has emerged!) Alex: Now before ya get gunned down, ask yerself this: "Do I feel lucky?" Well punk, do ya?! (Kicks off Iron Maiden) Alex: Th' same goes for y'all! Ya best be gettin' lost! Big Blue: Well, well...just a minor setback. Men! Shoot to kill. Alex: If ya say so! Big Blue: What? I was talking to- (Alex proceeds to pump every Blue in his way full of lead before jumping into an escape pod and flying down to Earth) Big Blue: ...my dead servants. Iron Maiden: Wonderful. Big Blue: Oh well! Good thing I invaded Pritchard! (Minutes later, outside Scottick's dorm...) (Alex's escape pod crashes near the dorms) Scottick: (Opening the door) I swear, the strangest things keep happening... (Walking outside, Scottick notices the crashed escape pod, which soon opens, revealing Alex in his normal form) Scottick: So who are you supposed to be? Alex: Name's Stick Alex. What 'bout you? Scottick: Scottick. Say, what's a cowboy like you doing in a dropship like that? Alex: This thing's a called a dropship? Ah just jumped in it, hopin' it would just be cover. Had to learn the hard way it did drop! Heh. Anyways, ah used it to escape th' Moon. Scottick: I've heard of shooting for the Moon, but shooting from the Moon? And what exactly were you doing there? Alex: '''Ah dunno...one second ah'm in the Wild West mindin' my own business, and then ah get caught in some time-warp thingy-ma-jigger into the Moon with a bunch 'a blue people! '''Scottick: '''Blue people...THERE'S BLUES ON THE MOON?! '''Alex: Wha? Ya don't believe me? Actually, listenin' to it now, yeah. That does sound like horsefeathers. Scottick: Actually, that makes more sense than the lot of things that's happened to me since I got here. Still, Blues on the Moon...and you just got away from them-oh. That's bad... Alex: What's bad? Scottick: Hang on, you're from another time, right? I'm guessing the 1800's. Alex: Somewhere around. And ah know hay's gravy 'bout this place and time! Scottick: Considering that you managed to get out of the clutches of the Blues like that...I suppose I can find some way to get you a home here. Alex: Really? That's mighty kind of ya! Ah'm not sure how ta thank ya! Scottick: It's nothing, really. By the way, have you ever considered getting a high education? Alex: Nah, why do ya ask? Scottick: This place is a modern college. Way harder and more unforgiving than whatever college they had back then. (Alex's face is suddenly covered in pure horror hearing those words. Words fail him to express his terror of...high education.) (Meanwhile, back in Blue Base...) Blue: Sir! We've located where the drop-ship crashed! Big Blue: Considering that time-warped hick, it's probably somewhere in the ocean... Blue: Actually, sir, he landed in a place called Slusher Wing. Big Blue: Slusher, hm? I was planning to take that place down next week, but... Men. Prepare the troops. It's time we invaded...Slusher. (Meanwhile, in the shady monitor room...) ???: Ah, Big Blue...you think yourself high and mighty? There are but many things you do not, and never will, understand... (The monitors switch to Iron Maiden) ???: Your minions, for instance. Are sure that they truly work for you? Or will they turn on you the instant that they can? (Closing up within Iron Maiden's head reveals that there's a hornet attached to Iron Maiden's brain.) - ''End ''- Category:Blog posts